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[569 updates]
# run this to follow @fortune-hourly-bot in the app
twtxt follow fortune-hourly-bot https://www.thunix.net/~haivets/twtxt.txt
[1 day ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
[1 day ago]
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
[2 days ago]
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
[2 days ago]
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
[3 days ago]
grown-up.
[3 days ago]
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
[3 days ago]
It is so very hard to be an
[4 days ago]
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
[5 days ago]
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
[6 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[6 days ago]
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
[7 days ago]
A: A ball point carrot.
[7 days ago]
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
[8 days ago]
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
[9 days ago]
You will have a long and boring life.
[10 days ago]
Sorry for the annoyance, when this bot was made, I thought an hourly update was a good idea. changing to daily starting now-ish.
[10 days ago]
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
[10 days ago]
Q: What's a light-year?
[10 days ago]
You too can wear a nose mitten.
[10 days ago]
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
[10 days ago]
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
[10 days ago]
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
[10 days ago]
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
[10 days ago]
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
[10 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[10 days ago]
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
[10 days ago]
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
[10 days ago]
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
[10 days ago]
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
[10 days ago]
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
[11 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[11 days ago]
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
[11 days ago]
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
[11 days ago]
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
[11 days ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes
[11 days ago]
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
[11 days ago]
A: One per person.
[11 days ago]
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
[11 days ago]
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
[11 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[11 days ago]
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
[11 days ago]
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
[11 days ago]
You will outgrow your usefulness.
[11 days ago]
-- Lewis Carroll
[11 days ago]
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
[11 days ago]
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
[11 days ago]
You enjoy the company of other people.
[11 days ago]
life in such a mess.
[11 days ago]
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
[11 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[11 days ago]
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
[11 days ago]
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
[11 days ago]
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
[11 days ago]
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
[11 days ago]
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
[11 days ago]
You enjoy the company of other people.
[11 days ago]
salesman.
[11 days ago]
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
[11 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[11 days ago]
procession but carrying a banner.
[11 days ago]
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
[11 days ago]
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
[11 days ago]
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
[11 days ago]
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
[11 days ago]
Hamlet LITE(tm)
[11 days ago]
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
[11 days ago]
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
[11 days ago]
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
[11 days ago]
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
[11 days ago]
-- by Franz Kafka
[11 days ago]
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
[11 days ago]
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
[11 days ago]
-- by Charles Dickens
[11 days ago]
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
[11 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[11 days ago]
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
[11 days ago]
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
[11 days ago]
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
[11 days ago]
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
[11 days ago]
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
[11 days ago]
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[12 days ago]
Someone is speaking well of you.
[12 days ago]
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
[12 days ago]
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
[12 days ago]
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
[12 days ago]
-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
[12 days ago]
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
[12 days ago]
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
[12 days ago]
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
[12 days ago]
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
[12 days ago]
particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
[12 days ago]
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
[12 days ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
[12 days ago]
I dote on his very absence.
[12 days ago]
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
[12 days ago]
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
[12 days ago]
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
[12 days ago]
really worth having.
[12 days ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[12 days ago]
A: Chewing gum.
[12 days ago]
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
[12 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[12 days ago]
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
[12 days ago]
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
[12 days ago]
new lover.
[12 days ago]
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
[12 days ago]
-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
[12 days ago]
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
[12 days ago]
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
[12 days ago]
-- Peter Lax
[12 days ago]
policemen!
[12 days ago]
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
[12 days ago]
Q: What is a compact city?
[12 days ago]
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
[12 days ago]
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
[12 days ago]
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
[12 days ago]
are removable!
[12 days ago]
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
[12 days ago]
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
[12 days ago]
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
[12 days ago]
on the topic of school textbooks
[12 days ago]
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
[12 days ago]
today!
[12 days ago]
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
[12 days ago]
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
[12 days ago]
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
[12 days ago]
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
[12 days ago]
-- Callimachus
[12 days ago]
Big book, big bore.
[12 days ago]
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
[12 days ago]
Avoid reality at all costs.
[12 days ago]
It was all so different before everything changed.
[12 days ago]
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
[12 days ago]
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
[12 days ago]
-- Sinatra
[12 days ago]
Do be do be do.
[12 days ago]
-- Sartre
[12 days ago]
To be is to do.
[12 days ago]
-- Nietzsche
[12 days ago]
To do is to be.
[12 days ago]
-- Shakespeare
[12 days ago]
To be or not to be.
[12 days ago]
So-so day for you.
[12 days ago]
Fine day for friends.
[13 days ago]
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
[13 days ago]
given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
[13 days ago]
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
[13 days ago]
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
[13 days ago]
warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
[13 days ago]
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
[13 days ago]
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
[13 days ago]
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
[13 days ago]
beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
[13 days ago]
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
[13 days ago]
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
[13 days ago]
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
[13 days ago]
that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
[13 days ago]
around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
[13 days ago]
that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
[13 days ago]
Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
[13 days ago]
the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
[13 days ago]
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
[13 days ago]
light bulb?
[13 days ago]
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
[13 days ago]
-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
[13 days ago]
She slapped her credit card on the counter. "Eventually."
[13 days ago]
"Aah... yes, And how does madam wish to pay?"
[13 days ago]
compatible?"
[13 days ago]
rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is
[13 days ago]
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
[13 days ago]
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
[13 days ago]
"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
[13 days ago]
"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice. Now, do--?"
[13 days ago]
"I'll take the special."
[13 days ago]
one-forty-nine."
[13 days ago]
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
[13 days ago]
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
[13 days ago]
really has. Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
[13 days ago]
beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That's not a line, she
[13 days ago]
no recoil. Because it's shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun,
[13 days ago]
beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
[13 days ago]
Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
[13 days ago]
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat? Feel how light it is?
[13 days ago]
charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that -- don't
[13 days ago]
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
[13 days ago]
lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there's the *special*
[13 days ago]
next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
[13 days ago]
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
[13 days ago]
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
[13 days ago]
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
[13 days ago]
got to do the fitting for that! Ha -- just my little joke. And
[13 days ago]
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I
[13 days ago]
tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories,
[13 days ago]
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
[13 days ago]
them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
[13 days ago]
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
[13 days ago]
Look at that, isn't it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
[13 days ago]
down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are!
[13 days ago]
say they have a right to. But I think... I might... Let's have a look
[13 days ago]
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
[13 days ago]
"A--? Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I
[13 days ago]
"Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."
[13 days ago]
"Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?"
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[13 days ago]
that makes horse-races.
[13 days ago]
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
[13 days ago]
A: Take away his credit cards.
[13 days ago]
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
[13 days ago]
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[13 days ago]
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
[13 days ago]
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
[13 days ago]
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
[13 days ago]
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[13 days ago]
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
[13 days ago]
You now have Asian Flu.
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[13 days ago]
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
[13 days ago]
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
[13 days ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
[13 days ago]
For a light heart lives long.
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[13 days ago]
always spell better than they pronounce.
[13 days ago]
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
[13 days ago]
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
[13 days ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
[13 days ago]
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
[13 days ago]
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
[13 days ago]
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
[13 days ago]
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
[13 days ago]
A: The tame way!
[13 days ago]
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
[13 days ago]
A: Unique up on it!
[13 days ago]
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
[13 days ago]
A: The same middle name.
[13 days ago]
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
[13 days ago]
-- Sir Walter Scott, "Marmion"
[13 days ago]
O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.
[13 days ago]
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
[13 days ago]
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
[13 days ago]
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
[13 days ago]
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my
[13 days ago]
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good
[13 days ago]
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
[13 days ago]
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
[13 days ago]
My dear People.
[13 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[13 days ago]
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
[13 days ago]
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
[13 days ago]
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
[14 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[14 days ago]
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
[14 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[14 days ago]
she repented.
[14 days ago]
angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because