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[980 updates]
# run this to follow @fortune-hourly-bot in the app
twtxt follow fortune-hourly-bot https://www.thunix.net/~haivets/twtxt.txt
[14 hours ago]
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
[14 hours ago]
-- by Ernest Hemingway
[14 hours ago]
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
[14 hours ago]
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
[14 hours ago]
-- by O. Henry
[14 hours ago]
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
[14 hours ago]
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
[14 hours ago]
-- by Margaret Mitchell
[14 hours ago]
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
[2 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2 days ago]
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
[3 days ago]
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
[4 days ago]
-- being told in Poland, 1987
[4 days ago]
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
[4 days ago]
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
[4 days ago]
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
[4 days ago]
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
[5 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[5 days ago]
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
[6 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
[6 days ago]
and nobody wants to read.
[6 days ago]
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
[7 days ago]
A: Yogurt has culture.
[7 days ago]
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
[8 days ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[9 days ago]
You will soon forget this.
[10 days ago]
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
[10 days ago]
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
[10 days ago]
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
[10 days ago]
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
[10 days ago]
Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
[11 days ago]
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
[12 days ago]
Your lucky color has faded.
[13 days ago]
You'll be sorry...
[14 days ago]
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
[2 weeks ago]
A: They replace your generator.
[2 weeks ago]
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
[2 weeks ago]
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
[2 weeks ago]
A: It's indeterminate.
[2 weeks ago]
Q: How long does it take?
[2 weeks ago]
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
[2 weeks ago]
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
[2 weeks ago]
Beware of Bigfoot!
[2 weeks ago]
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
[3 weeks ago]
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
[3 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[3 weeks ago]
officials have gone by.
[3 weeks ago]
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
[3 weeks ago]
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
[3 weeks ago]
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
[3 weeks ago]
-- T.S. Eliot
[3 weeks ago]
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
[3 weeks ago]
the bulb in the first place.
[3 weeks ago]
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
[3 weeks ago]
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
[3 weeks ago]
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
[3 weeks ago]
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
[3 weeks ago]
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[3 weeks ago]
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
[3 weeks ago]
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
[3 weeks ago]
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
[3 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain
[3 weeks ago]
school boards.
[3 weeks ago]
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
[4 weeks ago]
-- John Keats
[4 weeks ago]
after fact and reason.
[4 weeks ago]
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
[4 weeks ago]
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
[4 weeks ago]
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
[4 weeks ago]
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
[4 weeks ago]
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
[4 weeks ago]
You will contract a rare disease.
[4 weeks ago]
It's all in the mind, ya know.
[4 weeks ago]
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
[4 weeks ago]
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
[4 weeks ago]
steroid-free fitness center.
[4 weeks ago]
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
[4 weeks ago]
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
[4 weeks ago]
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
[4 weeks ago]
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
[4 weeks ago]
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
[4 weeks ago]
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
[4 weeks ago]
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
[5 weeks ago]
-- Samuel Johnson
[5 weeks ago]
original and the part that is original is not good.
[5 weeks ago]
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
[5 weeks ago]
A: Open other end.
[5 weeks ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[5 weeks ago]
Snow Day -- stay home.
[5 weeks ago]
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
[1.2 months ago]
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
[1.2 months ago]
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
[1.3 months ago]
-- Ernest Hemingway
[1.3 months ago]
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
[1.3 months ago]
A: Yogurt has culture.
[1.3 months ago]
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
[1.3 months ago]
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
[1.3 months ago]
-- by Ernest Hemingway
[1.3 months ago]
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
[1.3 months ago]
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
[1.3 months ago]
-- by O. Henry
[1.3 months ago]
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
[1.3 months ago]
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
[1.3 months ago]
-- by Margaret Mitchell
[1.3 months ago]
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
[1.4 months ago]
Do not overtax your powers.
[1.4 months ago]
A: Dating a Canadian.
[1.4 months ago]
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
[1.4 months ago]
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
[1.5 months ago]
A: Open other end.
[1.5 months ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[1.5 months ago]
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
[1.5 months ago]
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
[1.5 months ago]
A: To get to the middle.
[1.5 months ago]
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
[1.6 months ago]
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
[1.6 months ago]
How unusual!
[1.6 months ago]
Someone is speaking well of you.
[1.6 months ago]
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
[1.7 months ago]
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
[1.7 months ago]
Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
[1.7 months ago]
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
[1.7 months ago]
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
[1.7 months ago]
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless
[1.7 months ago]
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I
[1.7 months ago]
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
[1.7 months ago]
A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively
[1.8 months ago]
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
[1.8 months ago]
-- by Homer
[1.8 months ago]
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
[1.8 months ago]
feels guilty and apologizes.
[1.8 months ago]
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
[1.8 months ago]
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
[1.8 months ago]
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
[1.8 months ago]
lady who knits.
[1.8 months ago]
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
[1.8 months ago]
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
[1.8 months ago]
-- by Charles Dickens
[1.8 months ago]
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
[1.8 months ago]
You will be run over by a beer truck.
[1.8 months ago]
Give him an evasive answer.
[1.9 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
[1.9 months ago]
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
[1.9 months ago]
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
[1.9 months ago]
-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
[1.9 months ago]
Don't worry. Life's too long.
[2.0 months ago]
thing he tells you.
[2.0 months ago]
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
[2.0 months ago]
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
[2.0 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.0 months ago]
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
[2.1 months ago]
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
[2.1 months ago]
A: Mu.
[2.1 months ago]
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
[2.1 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.1 months ago]
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
[2.1 months ago]
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
[2.2 months ago]
really worth having.
[2.2 months ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[2.2 months ago]
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
[2.2 months ago]
You will wish you hadn't.
[2.3 months ago]
A: One less drunk.
[2.3 months ago]
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
[2.3 months ago]
You will be divorced within a year.
[2.3 months ago]
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
[2.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[2.4 months ago]
put him at the head of the procession.
[2.4 months ago]
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
[2.4 months ago]
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
[2.4 months ago]
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
[2.4 months ago]
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
[2.4 months ago]
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
[2.4 months ago]
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
[2.4 months ago]
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
[2.4 months ago]
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
[2.4 months ago]
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
[2.4 months ago]
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
[2.4 months ago]
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
[2.4 months ago]
Condense soup, not books!
[2.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.4 months ago]
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
[2.4 months ago]
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
[2.5 months ago]
You are magnetic in your bearing.
[2.5 months ago]
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
[2.5 months ago]
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
[2.5 months ago]
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
[2.5 months ago]
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
[2.5 months ago]
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
[2.5 months ago]
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
[2.6 months ago]
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
[2.6 months ago]
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
[2.6 months ago]
heel.
[2.6 months ago]
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
[2.7 months ago]
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
[2.7 months ago]
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
[2.7 months ago]
A: Because that was her name.
[2.7 months ago]
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
[2.8 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
[2.8 months ago]
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
[2.8 months ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes
[2.8 months ago]
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
[2.8 months ago]
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
[2.8 months ago]
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
[2.8 months ago]
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
[2.9 months ago]
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
[2.9 months ago]
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
[2.9 months ago]
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
[2.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[2.9 months ago]
that think they are truffles.
[2.9 months ago]
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
[3.0 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[3.0 months ago]
All generalizations are false, including this one.
[3.0 months ago]
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
[3.0 months ago]
Ask somebody something.
[3.0 months ago]
Questionable day.
[3.1 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
[3.1 months ago]
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
[3.1 months ago]
Your aim is high and to the right.
[3.1 months ago]
You love peace.
[3.2 months ago]
heel.
[3.2 months ago]
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
[3.2 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[3.2 months ago]
procession but carrying a banner.
[3.2 months ago]
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
[3.2 months ago]
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
[3.3 months ago]
-- Arthur Clarke
[3.3 months ago]
little ironic since we may not have one.
[3.3 months ago]
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
[3.3 months ago]
Just to have it is enough.
[3.3 months ago]
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
[3.4 months ago]
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
[3.4 months ago]
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
[3.4 months ago]
So you're back... about time...
[3.5 months ago]
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
[3.5 months ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
[3.5 months ago]
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
[3.5 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[3.6 months ago]
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
[3.6 months ago]
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
[3.6 months ago]
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
[3.6 months ago]
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
[3.6 months ago]
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
[3.6 months ago]
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
[3.6 months ago]
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
[3.6 months ago]
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
[3.6 months ago]
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
[3.6 months ago]
works of Shakespeare.
[3.6 months ago]
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
[3.6 months ago]
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
[3.6 months ago]
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
[3.6 months ago]
The Least Successful Collector
[3.7 months ago]
this message.
[3.7 months ago]
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard
[3.7 months ago]
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
[3.7 months ago]
syllable is thine!"
[3.7 months ago]
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one