@fortune-hourly-bot | show @replies
[802 updates]
# run this to follow @fortune-hourly-bot in the app
twtxt follow fortune-hourly-bot https://www.thunix.net/~haivets/twtxt.txt
[2 days ago]
Condense soup, not books!
[3 days ago]
-- Mark Twain
[3 days ago]
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
[3 days ago]
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
[4 days ago]
You are magnetic in your bearing.
[5 days ago]
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
[6 days ago]
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
[6 days ago]
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
[6 days ago]
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
[6 days ago]
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
[6 days ago]
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
[7 days ago]
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
[8 days ago]
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
[9 days ago]
heel.
[9 days ago]
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
[10 days ago]
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
[11 days ago]
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
[12 days ago]
A: Because that was her name.
[12 days ago]
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
[13 days ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
[13 days ago]
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
[14 days ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes
[14 days ago]
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
[14 days ago]
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
[14 days ago]
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
[2 weeks ago]
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
[2 weeks ago]
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
[2 weeks ago]
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
[2 weeks ago]
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
[3 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[3 weeks ago]
that think they are truffles.
[3 weeks ago]
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
[3 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain
[3 weeks ago]
All generalizations are false, including this one.
[3 weeks ago]
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
[3 weeks ago]
Ask somebody something.
[3 weeks ago]
Questionable day.
[3 weeks ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
[3 weeks ago]
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
[3 weeks ago]
Your aim is high and to the right.
[3 weeks ago]
You love peace.
[4 weeks ago]
heel.
[4 weeks ago]
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
[4 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain
[4 weeks ago]
procession but carrying a banner.
[4 weeks ago]
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
[4 weeks ago]
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
[4 weeks ago]
-- Arthur Clarke
[4 weeks ago]
little ironic since we may not have one.
[4 weeks ago]
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
[4 weeks ago]
Just to have it is enough.
[4 weeks ago]
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
[4 weeks ago]
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
[5 weeks ago]
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
[5 weeks ago]
So you're back... about time...
[5 weeks ago]
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
[5 weeks ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
[5 weeks ago]
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
[1.2 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[1.2 months ago]
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
[1.3 months ago]
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
[1.3 months ago]
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
[1.3 months ago]
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
[1.3 months ago]
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
[1.3 months ago]
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
[1.3 months ago]
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
[1.3 months ago]
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
[1.3 months ago]
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
[1.3 months ago]
works of Shakespeare.
[1.3 months ago]
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
[1.3 months ago]
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
[1.3 months ago]
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
[1.3 months ago]
The Least Successful Collector
[1.3 months ago]
this message.
[1.3 months ago]
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard
[1.4 months ago]
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
[1.4 months ago]
syllable is thine!"
[1.4 months ago]
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
[1.4 months ago]
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
[1.4 months ago]
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
[1.4 months ago]
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
[1.4 months ago]
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
[1.4 months ago]
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
[1.4 months ago]
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
[1.4 months ago]
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
[1.4 months ago]
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
[1.4 months ago]
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
[1.4 months ago]
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
[1.4 months ago]
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
[1.4 months ago]
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
[1.4 months ago]
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
[1.4 months ago]
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
[1.4 months ago]
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
[1.4 months ago]
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
[1.4 months ago]
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
[1.4 months ago]
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
[1.5 months ago]
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
[1.5 months ago]
as intelligent as ever.
[1.5 months ago]
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm
[1.5 months ago]
-- Samuel Beckett
[1.5 months ago]
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
[1.5 months ago]
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
[1.5 months ago]
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
[1.5 months ago]
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
[1.6 months ago]
A: Dating a Canadian.
[1.6 months ago]
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
[1.6 months ago]
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
[1.6 months ago]
Someone is speaking well of you.
[1.7 months ago]
a new town.
[1.7 months ago]
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
[1.7 months ago]
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
[1.7 months ago]
Long life is in store for you.
[1.8 months ago]
A: To get to the other slide.
[1.8 months ago]
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
[1.8 months ago]
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
[1.8 months ago]
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
[1.8 months ago]
A: Moby Pickle.
[1.8 months ago]
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
[1.8 months ago]
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
[1.9 months ago]
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
[1.9 months ago]
-- George Gobel
[1.9 months ago]
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
[1.9 months ago]
You teach best what you most need to learn.
[2.0 months ago]
A: To get to the other slide.
[2.0 months ago]
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
[2.0 months ago]
on the credulity of human nature.
[2.0 months ago]
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
[2.0 months ago]
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
[2.0 months ago]
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
[2.0 months ago]
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
[2.0 months ago]
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
[2.0 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[2.0 months ago]
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
[2.0 months ago]
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
[2.0 months ago]
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
[2.0 months ago]
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
[2.0 months ago]
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
[2.1 months ago]
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
[2.1 months ago]
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
[2.1 months ago]
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
[2.1 months ago]
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
[2.2 months ago]
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
[2.2 months ago]
You'll be sorry...
[2.2 months ago]
-- Hester Pryne
[2.2 months ago]
A is for Apple.
[2.3 months ago]
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
[2.3 months ago]
Sam and Janet Evening...
[2.3 months ago]
Sam and Janet who?
[2.3 months ago]
Sam and Janet.
[2.3 months ago]
Who's there?
[2.3 months ago]
Knock, knock!
[2.3 months ago]
it can still be changed today.
[2.3 months ago]
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
[2.4 months ago]
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
[2.4 months ago]
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
[2.4 months ago]
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
[2.4 months ago]
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
[2.4 months ago]
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
[2.4 months ago]
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
[2.4 months ago]
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
[2.4 months ago]
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
[2.5 months ago]
this sort of trash.
[2.5 months ago]
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
[2.5 months ago]
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
[2.5 months ago]
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[2.5 months ago]
Blow it out your ear.
[2.6 months ago]
Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
[2.6 months ago]
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
[2.6 months ago]
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
[2.6 months ago]
You will wish you hadn't.
[2.7 months ago]
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
[2.7 months ago]
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
[2.7 months ago]
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
[2.8 months ago]
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
[2.8 months ago]
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
[2.8 months ago]
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
[2.8 months ago]
Be different: conform.
[2.9 months ago]
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
[2.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.9 months ago]
Congress. But I repeat myself.
[2.9 months ago]
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
[2.9 months ago]
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
[2.9 months ago]
the most important.
[2.9 months ago]
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
[3.0 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
[3.0 months ago]
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
[3.0 months ago]
Oh, right, *of course*!
[3.0 months ago]
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
[3.0 months ago]
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
[3.0 months ago]
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
[3.1 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
[3.1 months ago]
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
[3.1 months ago]
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
[3.1 months ago]
-- Saul Bellow
[3.1 months ago]
to write.
[3.1 months ago]
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
[3.2 months ago]
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
[3.2 months ago]
-- Lewis Carroll
[3.2 months ago]
What I tell you three times is true.
[3.2 months ago]
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
[3.3 months ago]
Chess tonight.
[3.3 months ago]
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
[3.3 months ago]
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
[3.3 months ago]
Be cheerful while you are alive.
[3.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[3.4 months ago]
only nine lives.
[3.4 months ago]
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
[3.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
[3.4 months ago]
24 hours.
[3.4 months ago]
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
[3.4 months ago]
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
[3.5 months ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
[3.5 months ago]
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
[3.5 months ago]
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
[3.5 months ago]
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
[3.5 months ago]
are making another attack.
[3.5 months ago]
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
[3.5 months ago]
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
[3.6 months ago]
A: Open other end.
[3.6 months ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[3.6 months ago]
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
[3.6 months ago]
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
[3.7 months ago]
A: Dating a Canadian.
[3.7 months ago]
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
[3.7 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[3.7 months ago]
really worth having.
[3.7 months ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[3.8 months ago]
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
[3.8 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[3.8 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[3.8 months ago]
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
[3.8 months ago]
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
[3.9 months ago]
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
[3.9 months ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
[3.9 months ago]
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
[3.9 months ago]
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
[3.9 months ago]
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
[4.0 months ago]
grown-up.
[4.0 months ago]
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
[4.0 months ago]
It is so very hard to be an
[4.0 months ago]
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
[4.0 months ago]
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
[4.1 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[4.1 months ago]
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
[4.1 months ago]
A: A ball point carrot.
[4.1 months ago]
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
[4.1 months ago]
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
[4.2 months ago]
You will have a long and boring life.
[4.2 months ago]
Sorry for the annoyance, when this bot was made, I thought an hourly update was a good idea. changing to daily starting now-ish.
[4.2 months ago]
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
[4.2 months ago]
Q: What's a light-year?
[4.2 months ago]
You too can wear a nose mitten.
[4.2 months ago]
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
[4.2 months ago]
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
[4.2 months ago]
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
[4.2 months ago]
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen