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[2 days ago]
on the credulity of human nature.
[2 days ago]
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
[2 days ago]
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
[2 days ago]
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
[2 days ago]
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
[2 days ago]
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
[3 days ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[3 days ago]
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
[3 days ago]
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
[3 days ago]
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
[3 days ago]
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
[3 days ago]
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
[4 days ago]
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
[5 days ago]
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
[6 days ago]
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
[6 days ago]
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
[7 days ago]
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
[8 days ago]
You'll be sorry...
[9 days ago]
-- Hester Pryne
[9 days ago]
A is for Apple.
[10 days ago]
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
[11 days ago]
Sam and Janet Evening...
[11 days ago]
Sam and Janet who?
[11 days ago]
Sam and Janet.
[11 days ago]
Who's there?
[11 days ago]
Knock, knock!
[12 days ago]
it can still be changed today.
[12 days ago]
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
[13 days ago]
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
[14 days ago]
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
[14 days ago]
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
[2 weeks ago]
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
[2 weeks ago]
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
[2 weeks ago]
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
[2 weeks ago]
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
[2 weeks ago]
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
[2 weeks ago]
this sort of trash.
[2 weeks ago]
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
[2 weeks ago]
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
[2 weeks ago]
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[3 weeks ago]
Blow it out your ear.
[3 weeks ago]
Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
[3 weeks ago]
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
[3 weeks ago]
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
[3 weeks ago]
You will wish you hadn't.
[3 weeks ago]
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
[3 weeks ago]
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
[3 weeks ago]
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
[4 weeks ago]
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
[4 weeks ago]
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
[4 weeks ago]
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
[4 weeks ago]
Be different: conform.
[4 weeks ago]
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
[4 weeks ago]
-- Mark Twain
[4 weeks ago]
Congress. But I repeat myself.
[4 weeks ago]
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
[4 weeks ago]
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
[4 weeks ago]
the most important.
[4 weeks ago]
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
[4 weeks ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
[4 weeks ago]
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
[5 weeks ago]
Oh, right, *of course*!
[5 weeks ago]
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
[5 weeks ago]
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
[5 weeks ago]
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
[5 weeks ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
[5 weeks ago]
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
[5 weeks ago]
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
[1.2 months ago]
-- Saul Bellow
[1.2 months ago]
to write.
[1.2 months ago]
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
[1.2 months ago]
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
[1.3 months ago]
-- Lewis Carroll
[1.3 months ago]
What I tell you three times is true.
[1.3 months ago]
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
[1.3 months ago]
Chess tonight.
[1.4 months ago]
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
[1.4 months ago]
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
[1.4 months ago]
Be cheerful while you are alive.
[1.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[1.4 months ago]
only nine lives.
[1.4 months ago]
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
[1.5 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
[1.5 months ago]
24 hours.
[1.5 months ago]
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
[1.5 months ago]
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
[1.5 months ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
[1.5 months ago]
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
[1.5 months ago]
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
[1.5 months ago]
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
[1.6 months ago]
are making another attack.
[1.6 months ago]
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
[1.6 months ago]
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
[1.6 months ago]
A: Open other end.
[1.6 months ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[1.7 months ago]
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
[1.7 months ago]
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
[1.7 months ago]
A: Dating a Canadian.
[1.7 months ago]
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
[1.8 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[1.8 months ago]
really worth having.
[1.8 months ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[1.8 months ago]
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
[1.9 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[1.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[1.9 months ago]
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
[1.9 months ago]
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
[1.9 months ago]
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
[2.0 months ago]
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
[2.0 months ago]
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
[2.0 months ago]
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
[2.0 months ago]
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
[2.0 months ago]
grown-up.
[2.0 months ago]
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
[2.0 months ago]
It is so very hard to be an
[2.1 months ago]
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
[2.1 months ago]
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
[2.1 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.1 months ago]
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
[2.2 months ago]
A: A ball point carrot.
[2.2 months ago]
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
[2.2 months ago]
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
[2.2 months ago]
You will have a long and boring life.
[2.3 months ago]
Sorry for the annoyance, when this bot was made, I thought an hourly update was a good idea. changing to daily starting now-ish.
[2.3 months ago]
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
[2.3 months ago]
Q: What's a light-year?
[2.3 months ago]
You too can wear a nose mitten.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
[2.3 months ago]
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
[2.3 months ago]
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
[2.3 months ago]
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
[2.3 months ago]
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[2.3 months ago]
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
[2.3 months ago]
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
[2.3 months ago]
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
[2.3 months ago]
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
[2.3 months ago]
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.3 months ago]
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
[2.3 months ago]
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
[2.3 months ago]
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes
[2.3 months ago]
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
[2.3 months ago]
A: One per person.
[2.3 months ago]
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
[2.3 months ago]
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.3 months ago]
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
[2.3 months ago]
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
[2.3 months ago]
You will outgrow your usefulness.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Lewis Carroll
[2.3 months ago]
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
[2.3 months ago]
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
[2.3 months ago]
You enjoy the company of other people.
[2.3 months ago]
life in such a mess.
[2.3 months ago]
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.3 months ago]
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
[2.3 months ago]
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
[2.3 months ago]
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
[2.3 months ago]
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
[2.3 months ago]
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
[2.3 months ago]
You enjoy the company of other people.
[2.3 months ago]
salesman.
[2.3 months ago]
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.3 months ago]
procession but carrying a banner.
[2.3 months ago]
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
[2.3 months ago]
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
[2.3 months ago]
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
[2.3 months ago]
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
[2.3 months ago]
Hamlet LITE(tm)
[2.3 months ago]
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
[2.3 months ago]
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
[2.3 months ago]
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
[2.3 months ago]
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
[2.3 months ago]
-- by Franz Kafka
[2.3 months ago]
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
[2.3 months ago]
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
[2.3 months ago]
-- by Charles Dickens
[2.3 months ago]
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[2.3 months ago]
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
[2.3 months ago]
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
[2.3 months ago]
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
[2.3 months ago]
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
[2.3 months ago]
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
[2.3 months ago]
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[2.3 months ago]
Someone is speaking well of you.
[2.3 months ago]
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
[2.3 months ago]
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
[2.3 months ago]
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
[2.3 months ago]
-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
[2.3 months ago]
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
[2.3 months ago]
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
[2.3 months ago]
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
[2.3 months ago]
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
[2.3 months ago]
particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
[2.3 months ago]
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
[2.3 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
[2.3 months ago]
I dote on his very absence.
[2.3 months ago]
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
[2.3 months ago]
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
[2.3 months ago]
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
[2.3 months ago]
really worth having.
[2.3 months ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[2.3 months ago]
A: Chewing gum.
[2.3 months ago]
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
[2.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[2.3 months ago]
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
[2.3 months ago]
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
[2.3 months ago]
new lover.
[2.3 months ago]
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
[2.3 months ago]
-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
[2.3 months ago]
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
[2.3 months ago]
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
[2.3 months ago]
-- Peter Lax
[2.3 months ago]
policemen!
[2.3 months ago]
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
[2.3 months ago]
Q: What is a compact city?
[2.3 months ago]
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
[2.3 months ago]
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
[2.3 months ago]
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
[2.3 months ago]
are removable!
[2.3 months ago]
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
[2.3 months ago]
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
[2.3 months ago]
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
[2.3 months ago]
on the topic of school textbooks
[2.3 months ago]
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
[2.3 months ago]
today!
[2.3 months ago]
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
[2.3 months ago]
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
[2.3 months ago]
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
[2.3 months ago]
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Callimachus
[2.3 months ago]
Big book, big bore.
[2.3 months ago]
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
[2.3 months ago]
Avoid reality at all costs.
[2.3 months ago]
It was all so different before everything changed.
[2.3 months ago]
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
[2.3 months ago]
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Sinatra
[2.3 months ago]
Do be do be do.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Sartre
[2.3 months ago]
To be is to do.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Nietzsche
[2.3 months ago]
To do is to be.
[2.3 months ago]
-- Shakespeare
[2.3 months ago]
To be or not to be.
[2.3 months ago]
So-so day for you.
[2.3 months ago]
Fine day for friends.
[2.3 months ago]
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
[2.3 months ago]
given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
[2.3 months ago]
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
[2.3 months ago]
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have